Churford Orcs Vs. Blitzkrieg Allstars

Under overcast skies and with a heavy fall of rain, the Churford Orcs met the Blitzkrieg Allstars at the Blitzbowl. With the defeat of the Allstars by Brutal Deluxe still ringing in their ears, and with the Orcs still on a high from their defeat of the Mooning Angels, it’s a game that only one of the teams looked keen to play.

            The teams lined up, the Allstars looking uncomfortable in the wet conditions while the Orcs seem happy pushing each other over in the mud, or kicking it at each other. The referee blows the whistle, and the half begins. A long kick by thrower Karl Hood passes over the lines gracefully, while down below the melee begins. A heavy tackle from Basher Jenkins puts Grish Gut Gutter onto the soggy pitch, shaking his head to clear the fuzziness. The melee continues with Blug Basher stunning Sven Skornberg with an elbow to the face, as Big Ugg Lee Bugga throws Allstars Captain and blitzer Alvin Tanner to the ground. Gazgul Chukka picks up the ball and runs forwards, passing it to Trickie Mikki who dodges around the Allstars line and makes a dash for the endzone.  Faran Groper pounds after him and tries to blitz him but grabs nothing but thin air as Mikki continues his run. Lee Bugga takes a swing at Grimble Headcrusher, the Allstars Ogre, stunning him and sending him to the ground with a force that shakes the small wooden stadium. With the Allstars’ lines in disarray it’s a plain sail to the endzone for Mikki as he scores the first touchdown of the game, and his fourth in two games!

            The side’s face off again and the whistle blows. The lines crash together hard, and for the second time in as many minute Lee Bugga takes out Grimble Headcrusher with a terrific blow to the head! It takes all the Blitzbowl’s stewards to drag that one off the pitch! Scheister attempts to pick up the ball and fumbles in the wet, firing the ball away from him as the crowd laughs at his misfortune. He makes a second grab, this time successfully picking up the ball and making a dash along the wing. He charges fast, trying to speed up and instead causing himself to trip, fumbling the ball as he skids across the grass.

            Bodvar Nacht lands a nasty block on Skar Face, badly hurting him and leaving him with a lasting reminder of the game. He’s likely to feel that for the rest of his career! As Sheister gets back to his feet he comes face to face with Lee Bugga, who slams him to the ground, leaving him stunned. Solax the smasher lives up to his name, smashing Big Dave Thickskull in the face and stunning him. Flash Grotzil scoops up the ball and attempts to pass it off, instead loosing the wet ball and fumbling it. In an attempt to get to the ball Hood charges forward, tripping and stunning himself as the half time whistle blows leaving the Churford Orcs leading one touchdown to nil.

            The whistle blows for the second half and the sides collide again. A rock is thrown from the crowd, hitting Mikki in the face and sending him to the green. Lineman Joachin ‘the distracted’ Scholz stuns the crowd by knocking out Skar Face. Schiester grabs the ball from the turf and starts his run to the wing as Tanner finds himself alone and facing off with two black orcs and Lee Bugga. Big Dave stuns Blug Basher while Schiester continues to run, trying to find a way through the Churford lines. As Tanner tastes turf, Le Bugga moves across the pitch, swatting Scheister off his feet and into the crowd where he is beaten almost triumphantly! The crowd turf the ball back onto the pitch where it is swiped up by Gazgul. Grut Kars tries to dodge out the way of Groper, who manages to distract him with a quick fondle, leaving the confused orc stumbling until he falls to the grass.

            Black orc Umpa Stumper delivers swift green retribution to Big Dave, planting him in the face with an armoured green fist and stunning him. Gazgul throws the ball which is intercepted by Joachim in his second great play of the game. Lee Bugga continues on form, stunning Judas as Flash Grotznil KO’s Karl Hood with a terrific blitz before charging towards Joachim and tripping over his own feet. Joachim keeps up his pace, trying to reach the endzone, instead tripping on a dropped piece of armour, badly hurting himself and fumbling the ball. The stretcher bearers run on to carry him from the pitch, ending his run of good luck as Mikki picks up the ball and turns, heading straight for the Allstars endzone.

            As the Allstars and Orcs continue in the scrum, the ball is popped loose from Mikki and picked up by Wolfe Lodbrook who tries to throw it back up the lines to Joachim. An incredible Interception by Ug Holdik who throws the perfect throw! Solax catches the ball and starts towards the Allstars endzone. Seeing the referee raising his whistle Grut Kars lays the boot in, stunning the already prone Dave Thickskull. The whistle blows giving the Orcs their second victory of the season!

Mooning Angels vs. Churford Orcs

It was another sunny day when the Mooning Angels faced off against the Churford Orcs at the Churford Bowl. A lot of talk was hanging around the game after the Angels game against the Bonecrunchers, and whether they could pull off a second victory against an orc side. The teams walked onto the field to the woops and cries from the crowd, the Angels whipping them up into a frenzy with their trademark mooning.

            With a toss of a coin it looks like Churford are kicking to the Angels and the two teams face off down the centre line. As the ref checks his sundial and raises his whistle, the Orcs make a dash forward, catching the Angels unawares moments before the whistle blows. The ball lands in the Angels half and Jerri Ice scoops it up, pacing across the pitch and handing it to Drew ‘Easy’ Breezy who grabs at thin air, and lets the ball fall to the ground. As the lines keep struggling Solax the Smasher lives up to his name, landing a blow on Reggina Fright and sending her to the turf!

            Breezy manages to grab the ball from the pitch and starts dashing towards the lines as Blaze Bashup knocks out Ug Holdik who is dragged from the pitch by the team snotlings. A savage blow from Joan Hellway put’s Churford Goblin Trickie Mikki  face first into the dirt bringing the snotlings scurrying back on. As the scrum continues Jerri Ice makes a break down the wing, catching a throw from Drew Breezy and scoring the first touchdown of the game.

            Looking cheated, the Orcs line up again, a look of determination about them that they don’t want that happening again. The speed of the Angels making it difficult for them to chase down. The ball is kicked off and the lines smash together in a crescendo of buckling armour and shouts of aggression. Gazgul Chukka picks up the ball and runs forward, fumbling it and dropping it back to the ground. The Angels continue trying to push forward to no avail, the wall of green muscle keeping them firmly in place as Gazgul picks up the ball and throws it to Trickie Mikki in an incredible display of orc dexterity! Trickie, sporting a black eye, catches the ball, the second completion of the game! The ref’s whistle blows and Skar Face is pulled off the pitch for a foul on Fright.

            As Mikki charges towards the Angels endzone, Grim Killey makes a last ditch effort to stop the swift moving greenskin! She dives at Mikki who dodges out of the way, leaving Killey sprawling on the floor and giving him a clear run to the endzone. Touchdown to the Churford Orcs!

            With the second touchdown comes the half-time whistle, and the teams retire from the pitch for some orange segments.

            The second half starts as every game should, with Umpa Stumpa stunning Blaze Bash-up. Grish Gut Gutter picks up the ball and runs forward, handing the ball to Trickie Mikki who is scooped up by Churford Troll Big Ugg Lee Bugga and thrown with surprising precision. The crowd boo, wanting to see the goblin eaten rather than thrown, only to go wild when he lands with a roll and runs forward, dodges and dives into the endzone for one of the fastest touchdowns of the season so far! Two Touchdowns to one to the Churford Orcs.

            The teams form up again, slamming together as the whistle blows. The Orcs determined to hold onto their lead, the Angels determined to reclaim their lead. The whistle blows and the scrum begins with Gut Gutter stunning Torrie Bolt and leaving her slumped on the floor. Breezy scoops up the ball and runs forward, trying to find space while staying clear of the Orc Line. The scrum line moves back and forth as neither team can get the advantage. Orc blitzer Grut Kars slams Hellway to the floor with a nasty knuckleduster to the head.

            Fright stuns Gut Gutter with a cheeky palm to the nose as Breezy sees the opening she’s been waiting for. As a gap opens she throws the ball to Bolt who is just getting back to her feet. As if using a sixth sense, Bolt catches the ball and sets off down the pitch, leaping over the line and slamming the ball to the floor! Touchdown Angels!

            With the scores now even the teams form up for what has to be the last few minutes of the game.  The ball is kicked from the Angels, landing in the grubby palms of Mikki. Without any word Bugga swipes Mikki up into his palm and throws him down the pitch towards the Angels line. Mikki lands heavily, but picks himself up in a split second and takes off down the pitch faster than his legs should be able to carry him! The Angels seem to have been caught completely off guard again and no one is there to stop him, letting Mikki score the third touchdown for the Orcs, and his third of the game!

            With only seconds remaining on the clock, the whistle for the remaining time goes, the lines crash forward, Mikki manages to catch Ice unawares, charging into her and taking her to the ground. Breezy throws the ball to Bolt who catches, and the final whistle goes and the game is over.

            One of the hardest fought games of the season, one of the highest scoring, but one of the lowest casualty rates. It seems some teams do play for the sport!

Blitzkrieg Allstars vs. Brutal Deluxe

It was with some trepidation that we came here today, to the home stadium of Brutal Deluxe, the Victory Doughnut Cup’s only Chaos team, and what a team it is. The stands are full, with fifteen thousand coming to watch the Allstars, and seven thousand in the stands to watch Brutal Deluxe, as it happens, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of watching going on from the chaos stands.

Both teams form up and it looks as though the Allstars could be facing a difficult time ahead, with horned beastmen and some of the Deluxe players sporting one breast, it looks like Groper is having a hard time looking at anything else. The whistle blows and the game commences.

The lines close in, and the jostling for an opening begins. With a gap in the lines opening up, Toes Mahone charges through into the Deluxe end, only to trip on an untied shoelace and clatter to the ground. Noticing Groper’s eyes staring at a naked breast ‘Thick’ Ness catches him with an uppercut and sends him sprawling on the floor. Behind the Allstars line Hood is pacing back and forth looking for someone to receive his throw. An almighty thud is heard as ‘Slow’ Lee Thrust lays out Grimble ‘NDDT’ Headcrusher with a well placed blow to the temple. As Grimble hit’s the floor there’s definitely some boots going in from Randy Savage and the struggle between ‘Thick’ Ness and Faran Groper ends when Groper appears to leap into the scantily clad Chaos crowd!

A roar from Grimble brings on the stretcher-bearers as ‘Knickers’ Vickers puts in one boot too many (or too few depending on your perspective!). A terrific blitz from Rob ‘Throb’ Bing sends Basher ‘Stonefist’ Jenkins crashing to the floor to be dragged off pitch as the Allstars front line falls apart. A shout out from team-captain ‘The Lord’ Tanner rallies the human team to try and plug the holes as the chaos line continues on its path of destruction.

Following the blitz on Basher, ‘Throb’ Bing brings Skornberg to the floor and Ruffley lays the boot in to have him carried from the pitch. More cries from Tanner as he is jostled around in the centre of the pitch by Brutal Deluxe’s devastating front line. As the Allstars try to hold on to the game, Hugh Jorgen slams into Scheister leaving him dazed and bruised on the floor. Graham ‘the groin’ Sniffer manages a horrific block on ‘Big’ Dave, who lets out a pained scream as something under his armour gives. The stretcher bearers drag off ‘Big’ Dave leaving Brutal Deluxe with a five player advantage!

Bing takes down Bodvar as ‘Thick’ Ness lays the boot in, sending the sixth player from the pitch! Deluxe take full advantage of the Allstars decimated line as ‘Knickers’ Vickers swipes the ball from Hood, throws a grade A pass to Phil O’Riffiss who scores! The first touchdown goes to Brutal Deluxe!

As the game restarts, the haggard and outgunned Allstars team try to break down the wind with catcher Heinrich Schiester making a break for it. A long throw from Hood sees the ball fumbled, only to be scooped up by Deluxe beastman Ness who storms down the pitch, unstoppable by the depleted humans, scoring the second touchdown in only a couple of minutes! Two goals to nil to Brutal Deluxe as the first half ends.

The second half starts, with only a handful of players on one side and a full team for the Slaneeshi side. The ball is kicked across to Deluxe and is scooped up by ‘Shiny’ Ball, who dashes across the pitch to Jorgen. In what can only be considered revenge, Toe’s Mahone slams into Ness, sending him to the ground to be stretchered off clutching his arm. As the line barely holds, Vickers smashes into Bodvar who crumples to the pitch. Groper returns the favour by hitting Hugh Jorgen, knocking out the chaos player and popping the balls loose.

‘The groin’ Sniffer slams into thrower Karl Hood who hits the floor and is stretchered off. Lee Thrust tries to grab the ball, only to have it slip from his grasp as Toes Mahone charges in and grabs it. Sniffer, still in some sort of rage, takes down Tanner and puts the boot in, leaving Tanner writhing on the turf. As toes fumbles the ball it is lost from all the players as a melee breaks out around it. Vickers lays out Judas with an outstanding block, leaving him on a stretcher and bound for the dugout. Scheister dodges around the chaos players to harass the beastman nearest the ball. Horrifically outnumbered Scheister learns the hard way why getting in the way of Deluxe isn’t a wise decision as he is battered and thrown around by a group of them, but strangely manages to remain on his feet.

Ruffley scoops up the ball he fumbles a throw to ‘Shiny’ Ball and Toes is quick on the uptake, trying and failing to pick up the ball and fumbling it himself. Not happy with the interference, ‘Throb’ Bing slams into Toes, sending him into the crowd where he is beaten and left stumbling for the apocathary.

Scheister, fresh from a beating attempts to dodge around the Deluxe players to get the ball in what can only be described as a moment of heroism or idiocy. Cramp in his leg sends him crashing to the ground as Ruffley scoops up the ball again. With the remaining couple of Allstars players either lying on the pitch or outnumbered further down the pitch, Ruffley breaks into a victorious skip to the Endzone, scoring the third and final touchdown as the whistle blows.

An impressive first game for Brutal Deluxe who win the match three touchdowns to nil! A to watch if you like teams with plenty of violence and single breasts!

Brogar Bone Crunchers Vs. Mooning Angels

It’s another sunny day as one of this season’s new teams, the high elf, all female Mooning Angels face off against the formidable might of the Brogar Bone Crunchers. A lot of people have suggested that they will suffer greatly in the mostly male dominated sport, but the scantily clad nymphs are confident they won’t be violently crippled in every match. With fourteen thousand Bloodbowl fans in the stands, it’s a match a lot of people want to see!

Both teams form up and the Bone Crunchers kick off to the Angels. The general crump of the teams slamming into each other is met with cheers from the crowd as both teams struggle to make any gains. As the Angels manage to create some space down the sideline a sneaky attack from Rek sends Torrie Bolt crashing to the ground.

Angels Captain Drew ‘Easy’ Breezy heads towards the sideline and throws the ball to Jerri Ice who fumbles it, leaving it a quick snatch from Snicket’s grasping green hands. Storming back across the pitch Snicket loses his footing and crumples to the floor, fumbling the ball again. Bone Cruncher’s Troll Uhmar lands a horrific blow on Grim Killey, sending her sprawling as the stretcher bearers dash onto the pitch to pick up her immobile body. Ice dashes towards Snicket’s prone form, scooping up the ball and running to the goal line and scoring the first touchdown of the game. As the elven ladies bend at the waist with their trademark mooning celebration, it’s clear why they were recruited into the Victory Doughnut Cup.

The teams form up for a second time, this time with the Angels one player down as Killey is treated by their apocathery, who strangely doesn’t show up on their team roster. As the ball lands on the grass Bone Crunchers thrower Eruuk picks up the ball and makes his way towards the lines. Both sides struggle to make an opening in the opposing line, only Reggina Fright making a small space, stunning Vralg as he tumbled to the ground.

Orc thrower Eruuk paces back and forth, eyes searching for an opening or a break-away greenskin heading for the end-zone.  A roar from the Bone Crunchers troll Uhmar slams Blaze Bash-up, knocking her out cold with a scaly fist. Bolt retaliates with a bone-crunching block on Snicket, sending the goblin onto the pitch, then onto a stretcher. A pass from Eruuk to Vrot and the orc blitzer moves faster than he ever has before, running to the end zone with all the grace and speed of an Angel.  He leaps towards the goal-line, landing a split second after the half-time whistle has blown in a clatter of armour plates.

As the players walk from the pitch Vrot is still shouting and bawling at the referee, and seems to be gesturing about ripping his head off and shoving it somewhere waist height. I’m sure the coach will be having serious words with the referee after that one.

As half-time comes to an end, the Bone Crunchers team have managed to pacify Vrot enough to get him back to the half way line and into formation. The Angels kick the ball high and it lands a few feet from Rek, who picks it up and starts making a run for it as the Bone Crunchers charge forwards. Uhmar knocks Hatetron Mean onto her back with a wicked palm to the face.

With the frustrations of the first half still fresh in the greenskins mind, Rugor sticks the boot in on Mean, leaving her burbling on the pitch. Ice lands a bone-jarring block on Vrot, who is too busy scowling and gesturing at the ref to notice her charging in.

A block from Arwin Blodgers send’s Rek crashing to the ground, grabbing the ball from his outstretched hand, only to have him get back to his feet almost immediately. Uhmar continues his rampage on the pitch, stunning Mean as she climbs back to her feet. Blodgers charges Rek, blitzing him into the crowd and dashing up the pitch, leaving the poor goblin to be brutally beaten by the spectators. In the melee in the centre of the pitch the ball is lost and Erorag lands a stunning blow on Killingfield.

With his misfortune from the first half still hanging around his neck like an albatross, Vrot dodges around the nearby Angels, scooping up the ball and getting himself clear of their grabbing arms and kicking legs, and throws the longest pass of the season so far. Snarskit leaps mid-run, completing the pass and running to the end-zone to score the Bone Cruncher’s first touchdown of the season, and bringing the score to one all.

With a touchdown in the bag for both teams, they form up again and the whistle blows. The lines crash together, Vrot taking out his anger on Bolt, who collapses to the ground unconscious. Mean is stunned for the fourth time, this time by Bone Cruncher’s substitute Vralg. Returning the favour, Joan Hellway sends Vrot sprawling as Breezy runs towards the centre of the pitch and throws the ball to Ice, who continues running away from the grasping green fingers. With a leap in the air and the ball thrown to the ground, its touchdown number two for the Mooning Angels.

The Angels celebrate in their own particular style, mooning the crowd, who go wild at the sight, leaving the Bone Crunchers to leave the pitch in the foulest of moods, carrying the body of Rek from the sidelines. Vrot, still unhappy with the referee’s whistle blow seems to be stalking him around the pitch, smashing his fists onto his chest. As the crowd leaves the stands, it brings an end to the second match of the season.

Blitzkrieg Allstars vs Brogar Bone Crunchers

The first match of the season seemed to have all the intensity of the first time these two teams met, two years ago, in the first match of that season. The last time the Bone Crunchers took their name literally they pummelled the Allstars until only five of them remained in any fit state to carry on playing.

Two years on and they were facing off against each other under blue skies as sixteen thousand people gather to watch the mayhem. The Bone Crunchers kick the ball over the Allstars front line, and the game begins.

The two lines crashed together, in a cacophony of shouts and armour smashing armour. Allstars number six ‘Lucky’ Hood scooped up the ball, moving forwards slightly but keeping well clear of the fighting. A glancing blow from Allstars captain ‘Lord’ Tanner sends Erorag to the ground as the Bone Crunchers push forwards.

Karug drops to the ground and is stretchered from the pitch after Tanner manages to fall another Bone Cruncher. As the orcs continue to push the Allstars line back, ‘Safehands’ Schiester makes a break down the side of the pitch, out pacing the Bone Crunchers and calling for the ball. ‘Toes’ Mahone stuns one of the greenskins who is lost in the melee. Lucky throws the ball badly, but Safehands manages to catch it, running across the pitch to score the first touchdown of the match.

As the lines form up reports are coming from the Bone Cruncher’s dugout that the apocathary has worked his magic on Karug, and that the Black Orc will live to play another game.

With a kick from Karl ‘Lucky’ Hood the play begins again. Eruuk scoops up the ball and charges down the wing as the Bone Crunchers slam into the Allstars. With a clip from his knuckledusters the Allstars’ ogre Grimble punches Uhmar to the ground. The orcs are pounding the linemen, trying desperately to hold the line as Eruuk advances to the halfway line. Despite all odds, Eruuk throws while on the run, completing as Rugor catches the ball seconds before Toes slams Eruuk into the crowd. Looks like the rest of his game will be spent on a stretcher!

Rugor surges forward towards the goal-line, to be hemmed in by the only Allstars players not being beaten to the ground. As Rugor is knocked to the ground Bodvar ‘the Triumphant’ fumbles the ball, only for it to be picked up by Judas Beauchamp, who runs the ball a few paces before the half-time whistle blows.

As the second half begins, the ball is kicked into the Bone Cruncher’s half, the two lines slam together and the violence begins. Skarsnit grabs the ball from the pitch and starts making a dash for it while goblin Snicket tries to squeeze between brawling players only to trip and hit the floor. Blitzer ‘Basher’ Jenkins weaves around the orc line to slam into Skarsnit, popping the ball loose, but losing his grip on Skarsnit so the orc can pick it up again.

In control of the ball again the Bone Crunchers go on the offensive, with Grunak landing a hammer blow punch, knocking Toes clean out. Gaarbag charges Basher who is alone in the orc half, landing a mean punch to his jaw and taking him out for the rest of the game. Erorag and Karug continue the violence with a wicked KO on Bodvar and a stun on ‘Hairy’ Wolfe Lodbrook.

Gaarbag puts Basher onto a stretcher to rest out the rest of the game.

In retaliation for the sudden mauling of his team, Tanner throws Skarsnit into the crowd. Rek, in an incredible feat of bravery for any goblin, dashes forwards weaving between the Allstars players like they aren’t even there. Even outpacing the few linemen and blitzers who are still standing to make his way ever closer to the goal-line. Sven ‘The Average’ Skornberg out performs his lineman position, dashing across the pitch and blitzing Rek into the crowd. With the ball loose it is scooped up by Tanner.

With Bone Cruncher’s troll Uhmar hunting him across the pitch, team founder and one time Bloodbowl recruiter Faran Groper only just hears the cry from Tanner and turns just in time to catch the ball! The Bone Crunchers continue ploughing through the Allstars with Lucky Hood being stretchered off unconscious after a particularly hard block from Erorag. With the Allstars backing towards their goal line and the orcs hot on their heels, Groper makes a dash to the orc goal line to score the second touchdown of the game.

As the whistle blew for the final few minutes of the game, both teams called it a day and left the pitch to lick their wounds on the first match of what looks to be a long and bloody Bloodbowl season.