Mooning Angels vs. Churford Orcs

It was another sunny day when the Mooning Angels faced off against the Churford Orcs at the Churford Bowl. A lot of talk was hanging around the game after the Angels game against the Bonecrunchers, and whether they could pull off a second victory against an orc side. The teams walked onto the field to the woops and cries from the crowd, the Angels whipping them up into a frenzy with their trademark mooning.

            With a toss of a coin it looks like Churford are kicking to the Angels and the two teams face off down the centre line. As the ref checks his sundial and raises his whistle, the Orcs make a dash forward, catching the Angels unawares moments before the whistle blows. The ball lands in the Angels half and Jerri Ice scoops it up, pacing across the pitch and handing it to Drew ‘Easy’ Breezy who grabs at thin air, and lets the ball fall to the ground. As the lines keep struggling Solax the Smasher lives up to his name, landing a blow on Reggina Fright and sending her to the turf!

            Breezy manages to grab the ball from the pitch and starts dashing towards the lines as Blaze Bashup knocks out Ug Holdik who is dragged from the pitch by the team snotlings. A savage blow from Joan Hellway put’s Churford Goblin Trickie Mikki  face first into the dirt bringing the snotlings scurrying back on. As the scrum continues Jerri Ice makes a break down the wing, catching a throw from Drew Breezy and scoring the first touchdown of the game.

            Looking cheated, the Orcs line up again, a look of determination about them that they don’t want that happening again. The speed of the Angels making it difficult for them to chase down. The ball is kicked off and the lines smash together in a crescendo of buckling armour and shouts of aggression. Gazgul Chukka picks up the ball and runs forward, fumbling it and dropping it back to the ground. The Angels continue trying to push forward to no avail, the wall of green muscle keeping them firmly in place as Gazgul picks up the ball and throws it to Trickie Mikki in an incredible display of orc dexterity! Trickie, sporting a black eye, catches the ball, the second completion of the game! The ref’s whistle blows and Skar Face is pulled off the pitch for a foul on Fright.

            As Mikki charges towards the Angels endzone, Grim Killey makes a last ditch effort to stop the swift moving greenskin! She dives at Mikki who dodges out of the way, leaving Killey sprawling on the floor and giving him a clear run to the endzone. Touchdown to the Churford Orcs!

            With the second touchdown comes the half-time whistle, and the teams retire from the pitch for some orange segments.

            The second half starts as every game should, with Umpa Stumpa stunning Blaze Bash-up. Grish Gut Gutter picks up the ball and runs forward, handing the ball to Trickie Mikki who is scooped up by Churford Troll Big Ugg Lee Bugga and thrown with surprising precision. The crowd boo, wanting to see the goblin eaten rather than thrown, only to go wild when he lands with a roll and runs forward, dodges and dives into the endzone for one of the fastest touchdowns of the season so far! Two Touchdowns to one to the Churford Orcs.

            The teams form up again, slamming together as the whistle blows. The Orcs determined to hold onto their lead, the Angels determined to reclaim their lead. The whistle blows and the scrum begins with Gut Gutter stunning Torrie Bolt and leaving her slumped on the floor. Breezy scoops up the ball and runs forward, trying to find space while staying clear of the Orc Line. The scrum line moves back and forth as neither team can get the advantage. Orc blitzer Grut Kars slams Hellway to the floor with a nasty knuckleduster to the head.

            Fright stuns Gut Gutter with a cheeky palm to the nose as Breezy sees the opening she’s been waiting for. As a gap opens she throws the ball to Bolt who is just getting back to her feet. As if using a sixth sense, Bolt catches the ball and sets off down the pitch, leaping over the line and slamming the ball to the floor! Touchdown Angels!

            With the scores now even the teams form up for what has to be the last few minutes of the game.  The ball is kicked from the Angels, landing in the grubby palms of Mikki. Without any word Bugga swipes Mikki up into his palm and throws him down the pitch towards the Angels line. Mikki lands heavily, but picks himself up in a split second and takes off down the pitch faster than his legs should be able to carry him! The Angels seem to have been caught completely off guard again and no one is there to stop him, letting Mikki score the third touchdown for the Orcs, and his third of the game!

            With only seconds remaining on the clock, the whistle for the remaining time goes, the lines crash forward, Mikki manages to catch Ice unawares, charging into her and taking her to the ground. Breezy throws the ball to Bolt who catches, and the final whistle goes and the game is over.

            One of the hardest fought games of the season, one of the highest scoring, but one of the lowest casualty rates. It seems some teams do play for the sport!

Blitzkrieg Allstars vs. Brutal Deluxe

It was with some trepidation that we came here today, to the home stadium of Brutal Deluxe, the Victory Doughnut Cup’s only Chaos team, and what a team it is. The stands are full, with fifteen thousand coming to watch the Allstars, and seven thousand in the stands to watch Brutal Deluxe, as it happens, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of watching going on from the chaos stands.

Both teams form up and it looks as though the Allstars could be facing a difficult time ahead, with horned beastmen and some of the Deluxe players sporting one breast, it looks like Groper is having a hard time looking at anything else. The whistle blows and the game commences.

The lines close in, and the jostling for an opening begins. With a gap in the lines opening up, Toes Mahone charges through into the Deluxe end, only to trip on an untied shoelace and clatter to the ground. Noticing Groper’s eyes staring at a naked breast ‘Thick’ Ness catches him with an uppercut and sends him sprawling on the floor. Behind the Allstars line Hood is pacing back and forth looking for someone to receive his throw. An almighty thud is heard as ‘Slow’ Lee Thrust lays out Grimble ‘NDDT’ Headcrusher with a well placed blow to the temple. As Grimble hit’s the floor there’s definitely some boots going in from Randy Savage and the struggle between ‘Thick’ Ness and Faran Groper ends when Groper appears to leap into the scantily clad Chaos crowd!

A roar from Grimble brings on the stretcher-bearers as ‘Knickers’ Vickers puts in one boot too many (or too few depending on your perspective!). A terrific blitz from Rob ‘Throb’ Bing sends Basher ‘Stonefist’ Jenkins crashing to the floor to be dragged off pitch as the Allstars front line falls apart. A shout out from team-captain ‘The Lord’ Tanner rallies the human team to try and plug the holes as the chaos line continues on its path of destruction.

Following the blitz on Basher, ‘Throb’ Bing brings Skornberg to the floor and Ruffley lays the boot in to have him carried from the pitch. More cries from Tanner as he is jostled around in the centre of the pitch by Brutal Deluxe’s devastating front line. As the Allstars try to hold on to the game, Hugh Jorgen slams into Scheister leaving him dazed and bruised on the floor. Graham ‘the groin’ Sniffer manages a horrific block on ‘Big’ Dave, who lets out a pained scream as something under his armour gives. The stretcher bearers drag off ‘Big’ Dave leaving Brutal Deluxe with a five player advantage!

Bing takes down Bodvar as ‘Thick’ Ness lays the boot in, sending the sixth player from the pitch! Deluxe take full advantage of the Allstars decimated line as ‘Knickers’ Vickers swipes the ball from Hood, throws a grade A pass to Phil O’Riffiss who scores! The first touchdown goes to Brutal Deluxe!

As the game restarts, the haggard and outgunned Allstars team try to break down the wind with catcher Heinrich Schiester making a break for it. A long throw from Hood sees the ball fumbled, only to be scooped up by Deluxe beastman Ness who storms down the pitch, unstoppable by the depleted humans, scoring the second touchdown in only a couple of minutes! Two goals to nil to Brutal Deluxe as the first half ends.

The second half starts, with only a handful of players on one side and a full team for the Slaneeshi side. The ball is kicked across to Deluxe and is scooped up by ‘Shiny’ Ball, who dashes across the pitch to Jorgen. In what can only be considered revenge, Toe’s Mahone slams into Ness, sending him to the ground to be stretchered off clutching his arm. As the line barely holds, Vickers smashes into Bodvar who crumples to the pitch. Groper returns the favour by hitting Hugh Jorgen, knocking out the chaos player and popping the balls loose.

‘The groin’ Sniffer slams into thrower Karl Hood who hits the floor and is stretchered off. Lee Thrust tries to grab the ball, only to have it slip from his grasp as Toes Mahone charges in and grabs it. Sniffer, still in some sort of rage, takes down Tanner and puts the boot in, leaving Tanner writhing on the turf. As toes fumbles the ball it is lost from all the players as a melee breaks out around it. Vickers lays out Judas with an outstanding block, leaving him on a stretcher and bound for the dugout. Scheister dodges around the chaos players to harass the beastman nearest the ball. Horrifically outnumbered Scheister learns the hard way why getting in the way of Deluxe isn’t a wise decision as he is battered and thrown around by a group of them, but strangely manages to remain on his feet.

Ruffley scoops up the ball he fumbles a throw to ‘Shiny’ Ball and Toes is quick on the uptake, trying and failing to pick up the ball and fumbling it himself. Not happy with the interference, ‘Throb’ Bing slams into Toes, sending him into the crowd where he is beaten and left stumbling for the apocathary.

Scheister, fresh from a beating attempts to dodge around the Deluxe players to get the ball in what can only be described as a moment of heroism or idiocy. Cramp in his leg sends him crashing to the ground as Ruffley scoops up the ball again. With the remaining couple of Allstars players either lying on the pitch or outnumbered further down the pitch, Ruffley breaks into a victorious skip to the Endzone, scoring the third and final touchdown as the whistle blows.

An impressive first game for Brutal Deluxe who win the match three touchdowns to nil! A to watch if you like teams with plenty of violence and single breasts!