Brogar Bone Crunchers Vs. Mooning Angels

It’s another sunny day as one of this season’s new teams, the high elf, all female Mooning Angels face off against the formidable might of the Brogar Bone Crunchers. A lot of people have suggested that they will suffer greatly in the mostly male dominated sport, but the scantily clad nymphs are confident they won’t be violently crippled in every match. With fourteen thousand Bloodbowl fans in the stands, it’s a match a lot of people want to see!

Both teams form up and the Bone Crunchers kick off to the Angels. The general crump of the teams slamming into each other is met with cheers from the crowd as both teams struggle to make any gains. As the Angels manage to create some space down the sideline a sneaky attack from Rek sends Torrie Bolt crashing to the ground.

Angels Captain Drew ‘Easy’ Breezy heads towards the sideline and throws the ball to Jerri Ice who fumbles it, leaving it a quick snatch from Snicket’s grasping green hands. Storming back across the pitch Snicket loses his footing and crumples to the floor, fumbling the ball again. Bone Cruncher’s Troll Uhmar lands a horrific blow on Grim Killey, sending her sprawling as the stretcher bearers dash onto the pitch to pick up her immobile body. Ice dashes towards Snicket’s prone form, scooping up the ball and running to the goal line and scoring the first touchdown of the game. As the elven ladies bend at the waist with their trademark mooning celebration, it’s clear why they were recruited into the Victory Doughnut Cup.

The teams form up for a second time, this time with the Angels one player down as Killey is treated by their apocathery, who strangely doesn’t show up on their team roster. As the ball lands on the grass Bone Crunchers thrower Eruuk picks up the ball and makes his way towards the lines. Both sides struggle to make an opening in the opposing line, only Reggina Fright making a small space, stunning Vralg as he tumbled to the ground.

Orc thrower Eruuk paces back and forth, eyes searching for an opening or a break-away greenskin heading for the end-zone.  A roar from the Bone Crunchers troll Uhmar slams Blaze Bash-up, knocking her out cold with a scaly fist. Bolt retaliates with a bone-crunching block on Snicket, sending the goblin onto the pitch, then onto a stretcher. A pass from Eruuk to Vrot and the orc blitzer moves faster than he ever has before, running to the end zone with all the grace and speed of an Angel.  He leaps towards the goal-line, landing a split second after the half-time whistle has blown in a clatter of armour plates.

As the players walk from the pitch Vrot is still shouting and bawling at the referee, and seems to be gesturing about ripping his head off and shoving it somewhere waist height. I’m sure the coach will be having serious words with the referee after that one.

As half-time comes to an end, the Bone Crunchers team have managed to pacify Vrot enough to get him back to the half way line and into formation. The Angels kick the ball high and it lands a few feet from Rek, who picks it up and starts making a run for it as the Bone Crunchers charge forwards. Uhmar knocks Hatetron Mean onto her back with a wicked palm to the face.

With the frustrations of the first half still fresh in the greenskins mind, Rugor sticks the boot in on Mean, leaving her burbling on the pitch. Ice lands a bone-jarring block on Vrot, who is too busy scowling and gesturing at the ref to notice her charging in.

A block from Arwin Blodgers send’s Rek crashing to the ground, grabbing the ball from his outstretched hand, only to have him get back to his feet almost immediately. Uhmar continues his rampage on the pitch, stunning Mean as she climbs back to her feet. Blodgers charges Rek, blitzing him into the crowd and dashing up the pitch, leaving the poor goblin to be brutally beaten by the spectators. In the melee in the centre of the pitch the ball is lost and Erorag lands a stunning blow on Killingfield.

With his misfortune from the first half still hanging around his neck like an albatross, Vrot dodges around the nearby Angels, scooping up the ball and getting himself clear of their grabbing arms and kicking legs, and throws the longest pass of the season so far. Snarskit leaps mid-run, completing the pass and running to the end-zone to score the Bone Cruncher’s first touchdown of the season, and bringing the score to one all.

With a touchdown in the bag for both teams, they form up again and the whistle blows. The lines crash together, Vrot taking out his anger on Bolt, who collapses to the ground unconscious. Mean is stunned for the fourth time, this time by Bone Cruncher’s substitute Vralg. Returning the favour, Joan Hellway sends Vrot sprawling as Breezy runs towards the centre of the pitch and throws the ball to Ice, who continues running away from the grasping green fingers. With a leap in the air and the ball thrown to the ground, its touchdown number two for the Mooning Angels.

The Angels celebrate in their own particular style, mooning the crowd, who go wild at the sight, leaving the Bone Crunchers to leave the pitch in the foulest of moods, carrying the body of Rek from the sidelines. Vrot, still unhappy with the referee’s whistle blow seems to be stalking him around the pitch, smashing his fists onto his chest. As the crowd leaves the stands, it brings an end to the second match of the season.

Blitzkrieg Allstars vs Brogar Bone Crunchers

The first match of the season seemed to have all the intensity of the first time these two teams met, two years ago, in the first match of that season. The last time the Bone Crunchers took their name literally they pummelled the Allstars until only five of them remained in any fit state to carry on playing.

Two years on and they were facing off against each other under blue skies as sixteen thousand people gather to watch the mayhem. The Bone Crunchers kick the ball over the Allstars front line, and the game begins.

The two lines crashed together, in a cacophony of shouts and armour smashing armour. Allstars number six ‘Lucky’ Hood scooped up the ball, moving forwards slightly but keeping well clear of the fighting. A glancing blow from Allstars captain ‘Lord’ Tanner sends Erorag to the ground as the Bone Crunchers push forwards.

Karug drops to the ground and is stretchered from the pitch after Tanner manages to fall another Bone Cruncher. As the orcs continue to push the Allstars line back, ‘Safehands’ Schiester makes a break down the side of the pitch, out pacing the Bone Crunchers and calling for the ball. ‘Toes’ Mahone stuns one of the greenskins who is lost in the melee. Lucky throws the ball badly, but Safehands manages to catch it, running across the pitch to score the first touchdown of the match.

As the lines form up reports are coming from the Bone Cruncher’s dugout that the apocathary has worked his magic on Karug, and that the Black Orc will live to play another game.

With a kick from Karl ‘Lucky’ Hood the play begins again. Eruuk scoops up the ball and charges down the wing as the Bone Crunchers slam into the Allstars. With a clip from his knuckledusters the Allstars’ ogre Grimble punches Uhmar to the ground. The orcs are pounding the linemen, trying desperately to hold the line as Eruuk advances to the halfway line. Despite all odds, Eruuk throws while on the run, completing as Rugor catches the ball seconds before Toes slams Eruuk into the crowd. Looks like the rest of his game will be spent on a stretcher!

Rugor surges forward towards the goal-line, to be hemmed in by the only Allstars players not being beaten to the ground. As Rugor is knocked to the ground Bodvar ‘the Triumphant’ fumbles the ball, only for it to be picked up by Judas Beauchamp, who runs the ball a few paces before the half-time whistle blows.

As the second half begins, the ball is kicked into the Bone Cruncher’s half, the two lines slam together and the violence begins. Skarsnit grabs the ball from the pitch and starts making a dash for it while goblin Snicket tries to squeeze between brawling players only to trip and hit the floor. Blitzer ‘Basher’ Jenkins weaves around the orc line to slam into Skarsnit, popping the ball loose, but losing his grip on Skarsnit so the orc can pick it up again.

In control of the ball again the Bone Crunchers go on the offensive, with Grunak landing a hammer blow punch, knocking Toes clean out. Gaarbag charges Basher who is alone in the orc half, landing a mean punch to his jaw and taking him out for the rest of the game. Erorag and Karug continue the violence with a wicked KO on Bodvar and a stun on ‘Hairy’ Wolfe Lodbrook.

Gaarbag puts Basher onto a stretcher to rest out the rest of the game.

In retaliation for the sudden mauling of his team, Tanner throws Skarsnit into the crowd. Rek, in an incredible feat of bravery for any goblin, dashes forwards weaving between the Allstars players like they aren’t even there. Even outpacing the few linemen and blitzers who are still standing to make his way ever closer to the goal-line. Sven ‘The Average’ Skornberg out performs his lineman position, dashing across the pitch and blitzing Rek into the crowd. With the ball loose it is scooped up by Tanner.

With Bone Cruncher’s troll Uhmar hunting him across the pitch, team founder and one time Bloodbowl recruiter Faran Groper only just hears the cry from Tanner and turns just in time to catch the ball! The Bone Crunchers continue ploughing through the Allstars with Lucky Hood being stretchered off unconscious after a particularly hard block from Erorag. With the Allstars backing towards their goal line and the orcs hot on their heels, Groper makes a dash to the orc goal line to score the second touchdown of the game.

As the whistle blew for the final few minutes of the game, both teams called it a day and left the pitch to lick their wounds on the first match of what looks to be a long and bloody Bloodbowl season.