It was with some trepidation that we came here today, to the home stadium of Brutal Deluxe, the Victory Doughnut Cup’s only Chaos team, and what a team it is. The stands are full, with fifteen thousand coming to watch the Allstars, and seven thousand in the stands to watch Brutal Deluxe, as it happens, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of watching going on from the chaos stands.
Both teams form up and it looks as though the Allstars could be facing a difficult time ahead, with horned beastmen and some of the Deluxe players sporting one breast, it looks like Groper is having a hard time looking at anything else. The whistle blows and the game commences.
The lines close in, and the jostling for an opening begins. With a gap in the lines opening up, Toes Mahone charges through into the Deluxe end, only to trip on an untied shoelace and clatter to the ground. Noticing Groper’s eyes staring at a naked breast ‘Thick’ Ness catches him with an uppercut and sends him sprawling on the floor. Behind the Allstars line Hood is pacing back and forth looking for someone to receive his throw. An almighty thud is heard as ‘Slow’ Lee Thrust lays out Grimble ‘NDDT’ Headcrusher with a well placed blow to the temple. As Grimble hit’s the floor there’s definitely some boots going in from Randy Savage and the struggle between ‘Thick’ Ness and Faran Groper ends when Groper appears to leap into the scantily clad Chaos crowd!
A roar from Grimble brings on the stretcher-bearers as ‘Knickers’ Vickers puts in one boot too many (or too few depending on your perspective!). A terrific blitz from Rob ‘Throb’ Bing sends Basher ‘Stonefist’ Jenkins crashing to the floor to be dragged off pitch as the Allstars front line falls apart. A shout out from team-captain ‘The Lord’ Tanner rallies the human team to try and plug the holes as the chaos line continues on its path of destruction.
Following the blitz on Basher, ‘Throb’ Bing brings Skornberg to the floor and Ruffley lays the boot in to have him carried from the pitch. More cries from Tanner as he is jostled around in the centre of the pitch by Brutal Deluxe’s devastating front line. As the Allstars try to hold on to the game, Hugh Jorgen slams into Scheister leaving him dazed and bruised on the floor. Graham ‘the groin’ Sniffer manages a horrific block on ‘Big’ Dave, who lets out a pained scream as something under his armour gives. The stretcher bearers drag off ‘Big’ Dave leaving Brutal Deluxe with a five player advantage!
Bing takes down Bodvar as ‘Thick’ Ness lays the boot in, sending the sixth player from the pitch! Deluxe take full advantage of the Allstars decimated line as ‘Knickers’ Vickers swipes the ball from Hood, throws a grade A pass to Phil O’Riffiss who scores! The first touchdown goes to Brutal Deluxe!
As the game restarts, the haggard and outgunned Allstars team try to break down the wind with catcher Heinrich Schiester making a break for it. A long throw from Hood sees the ball fumbled, only to be scooped up by Deluxe beastman Ness who storms down the pitch, unstoppable by the depleted humans, scoring the second touchdown in only a couple of minutes! Two goals to nil to Brutal Deluxe as the first half ends.
The second half starts, with only a handful of players on one side and a full team for the Slaneeshi side. The ball is kicked across to Deluxe and is scooped up by ‘Shiny’ Ball, who dashes across the pitch to Jorgen. In what can only be considered revenge, Toe’s Mahone slams into Ness, sending him to the ground to be stretchered off clutching his arm. As the line barely holds, Vickers smashes into Bodvar who crumples to the pitch. Groper returns the favour by hitting Hugh Jorgen, knocking out the chaos player and popping the balls loose.
‘The groin’ Sniffer slams into thrower Karl Hood who hits the floor and is stretchered off. Lee Thrust tries to grab the ball, only to have it slip from his grasp as Toes Mahone charges in and grabs it. Sniffer, still in some sort of rage, takes down Tanner and puts the boot in, leaving Tanner writhing on the turf. As toes fumbles the ball it is lost from all the players as a melee breaks out around it. Vickers lays out Judas with an outstanding block, leaving him on a stretcher and bound for the dugout. Scheister dodges around the chaos players to harass the beastman nearest the ball. Horrifically outnumbered Scheister learns the hard way why getting in the way of Deluxe isn’t a wise decision as he is battered and thrown around by a group of them, but strangely manages to remain on his feet.
Ruffley scoops up the ball he fumbles a throw to ‘Shiny’ Ball and Toes is quick on the uptake, trying and failing to pick up the ball and fumbling it himself. Not happy with the interference, ‘Throb’ Bing slams into Toes, sending him into the crowd where he is beaten and left stumbling for the apocathary.
Scheister, fresh from a beating attempts to dodge around the Deluxe players to get the ball in what can only be described as a moment of heroism or idiocy. Cramp in his leg sends him crashing to the ground as Ruffley scoops up the ball again. With the remaining couple of Allstars players either lying on the pitch or outnumbered further down the pitch, Ruffley breaks into a victorious skip to the Endzone, scoring the third and final touchdown as the whistle blows.
An impressive first game for Brutal Deluxe who win the match three touchdowns to nil! A to watch if you like teams with plenty of violence and single breasts!
